thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
