My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
