There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
