i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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