I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
