i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
