I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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