so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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