i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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