when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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