i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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