I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
