If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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