im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm like, not good at living.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
