Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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