everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
