if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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