And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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