Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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