I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
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The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
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i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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