my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
