I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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