Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
