You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Come see our sink grown plant.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
