I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Randomize
