Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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