I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
