we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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