So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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