My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
