guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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