the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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