I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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