Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
