God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You are the jesus of drinking
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
