We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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