Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
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