Swine flu. Run for my life!
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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