There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
