first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
