Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
