I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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