and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
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Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
COCAINE IS GR8
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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