oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
