found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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