You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
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My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
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He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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