I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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