just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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