dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
