What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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