Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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