Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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