gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
