do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
